to go

Make mine to go

September 1st, 2012

When I wake from this dream, please have my breakfast ready. Can you make that to-go, please? I’m going to be in a hurry.

I’m about to start a new life. I’ll have to stop sludging around in the mornings, following the same ritual I created years ago. No longer will I be able to nosh on whatever suits me while I amble off to work, choosing to eat – or not eat – lunch with the girls at the office.

My carefree days of taking the scenic route home from work or solo retail therapy will end when my new life begins. I may have seen my last mall, though that in itself isn’t going to hurt much.

I’m becoming a HANC. My mother needs a Housekeeper, Activities director, Nutritionist and Companion. She also requires a mechanic and general handyman. My husband and I have assumed those duties and as soon as my dream ends, I’ll be on call.

My mother’s low-level memory loss and physical frailty have reached a critical point where something must be done sooner, rather than later.

I’ve had time to adjust and acclimate to the changes. I’d like to think I have, at least.

Many mornings, long before my alarm sounds, I wake in a panic before I realize we haven’t moved yet and I need save my mother from another non-nutritious breakfast of cookies and coffee.

Some nights, as I collapse into bed after packing, I wonder who will ultimately have to make the most adjustments in this new lifestyle.

Long ago, the rural childhood home to which I am returning nearly smothered my essence. I craved more.

I wanted the city lights, the culture, the streets and the convenience of living a life I felt entitled me to be the person I thought I would become. Today, it feels as if the shackles of illusion have been broken and I know I never really was a city girl. I don’t fit in with the beach communities and I don’t belong in suburbia. I’m going back to my bucolic roots with a new resolution, a new purpose, a new sense of how to be the me I was always meant to be. Me without constraints, without rules, without neighbors.

I’ll have to be more diligent about my own health, so I can care properly for my aging mother. If I don’t maintain a healthy mntal, emotional, physical and artistic balance, I won’t be a proper HANC.