Posts Tagged ‘role reversal’

Majoring in Minor Meltdowns

The easiest hard decision my husband and I have ever made as a couple didn’t arrive after months of discussion or hours of debate. In twenty-five syllables, we made a life-changing choice.

Couyple dolphin

“Why don’t we move in with your mother and help her?”

“Are you serious?”

“Very serious.”

“Let’s do it.”

houses at night

We made our decision late one night, while visiting my mother. The next morning, we discussed it with her when she expressed anxiety at our pending departure.

            The real discussion started after we agreed to make the life-changing move.

Mary with Marie and Bob

The easy part is behind: us packing, sorting, giving away and moving, leaving dear friends, work acquaintances, making job adjustments, opening or moving accounts, deciding which possessions must come into the new home with us and which could be stored.

shoesThe second most difficult phase has taken longer to complete. Ever mindful that I am moving into my mother’s home and not into an empty apartment, I’ve cleaned years of grime and discarded broken items or things she does not use, like the nearly two dozen pairs of shoes that pinch her feet or the shoebox filled with custom orthotics that no longer serve her. We both laughed when I asked her what she wanted to do with several denture molds I found stashed in a dresser. My mother still has her natural teeth and she could not remember if the molds were for her mother or my father. They both passed away within nine days of each other.

Thirty years ago.

laptops

“I’ll never use that,” alternated with, “Put that away for now,” which became, “Do you think you can sell that on the computer?” as she kept company with me and watched me sort decades of her possessions.

basket shoes

Often, I found empty totes with piles of things nearby. Some days, she asked why I was moving certain things and she did not understand my need to wash dishes we had not used or to wipe inside and outside of cupboards.

Some days, our genetic disposition to lead, led us toward stubborn standoffs. We also both possess a need to be right, which suggests compromise often means acquiescence.

As the junior, I submit most often.

door

One area we disagree on is the need to keep her bedroom door closed in order to direct the airflow pattern properly. No amount of explanation has convinced her that her old air handler system wasn’t optimal.

            “I didn’t have any of these problems before you moved in.”

            She worries about the possible increase in her utility bill because we are using extra fans to move the air as well as an auxiliary window unit. She does not understand that the computers we require to maintain our jobs rely on a regulated, cooler temperature.

fan

We all suffered until, after several emergency service calls, we were able to convince her that buying a new unit now would prevent the need for an urgent install once winter arrives.

elder in scooter

“My blood is thin. I need it warm in here,” has been her mantra, but my husband  suggested we take her out into the sunshine on the days it’s not raining. She’s been enjoying her scooter outings that allow her to warm up and has not complained about the cold since we started.

She’s my mother. I’m from the South. I’m also her middle child, so I don’t sass or talk back. It’s difficult for me to argue with her, even when I know I’m right, so I try to avoid arguments and present topics as a matter of fact.

juice

As a result, she looks forward to drinking a glass of fresh juice every day, which is helping her nutritional needs.

tea party

She also showers more often and my coup has been setting the dinner table each night and having her eat at the table.

mug

For more than three years, she has been content to sit in her recliner for all of her meals, even if her meal was a cup of coffee and two cookies. She always insisted, when we were children, that we eat at the kitchen table. I don’t insist, but I gently encourage.

We’ve been living in her house since June. I’ve had a few minor meltdowns during that time.

            When she becomes adamant that I must leave things in place, as she has had them for years, I try to remember that this is her house, even though I also live here and she has said repeatedly, “We’ll make this work, no matter what it takes.” I strive to compromise, but there are times I need her to give as well as take.

            She says she understands the sacrifices we have made, but has also said,

“I don’t care. It’s mine and that’s how I want it.”

yard

To keep my minor meltdowns from causing major problems, I’ve developed a routine that takes me outdoors. The yard can always use some work, so as often as I can,  I go outside and melt away my stress.

Role Reversal Reverses Roles for a Week

medical equipment     When my mother was hospitalized for her last fall, one of the doctors  told the family to prepare for her to be placed in a nursing home.  At the time, I was living more than 300 miles away, but my sisters and brothers kept me posted on her situation until I could come spend some time with her.

     Seeing her in the hospital bed on a morphine pump for the pain in her hip, ribs and shoulder was difficult, but watching her reaction to the medication during the times between the pump was one of the hardest things I had dealt with up to that point in time. She was hallucinating and she was afraid.

     The family made arrangements to hire someone to assist with her daily needs during her rehabilitation at home. We all agreed to avoid a nursing home at all costs, if possible and I suppose the seed was planted at that time for me to eventually become a caregiver for my mother. I never saw myself as a caregiver and to use that word in association with my mother causes me discomfort.

 

With home health nurse 7-11-10with visiting nurse 7-11-10     In home nurses and therapists monitored her progress and encouraged her to do more than sit in her chair and watch television.

     Still, with limited mobility and a fear of falling again, she prefers sitting to moving and her mild Alzheimer’s disease seems to be the reason she prefers game shows and court TV to her former active social life. Add to this, her hearing difficulties and some days become much more frustrating than others.

    If I’m off my game, even a little, I can’t provide the care my mother needs and we both feel the difference in our relationship. I want, always, to be the best Companion and Activities director for her, in addition to a skilled Nutritionist and Housekeeper, but even the best HANC has limits.

     Knowing those limits is key to a successful relationship.

Today, I felt vulnerable and so typed in “Dealing with Dementia” online. One of my first links led me to the manufacturer of one of her medications. I found great information here.

Flexibility Is the Key to Working Together

The changing relationship between the person with mild to moderate Alzheimer’s disease and the caregiver is a lot like the relationship between two ballroom dancers. When a couple dances, one person is the leader and the other is the follower.

In your relationship now, the caregiver may have to do a little more leading and less following. And the person with mild to moderate Alzheimer’s disease may need to find a way to follow that is comfortable.

Fortunately, Alzheimer’s disease usually progresses slowly, and in most cases you can shift your roles little by little. Being flexible is required. That is usually true for successful relationships. So, if you can stay flexible, you are likely to find ways to be close to each other. And that is staying connected.

 

big old oak     As strong and stalwart as the oak in her yard, my mother would never ask for help. She didn’t turn it down, though, when offered and she has been very appreciative of our presence.

     There are times I feel as if I have a very opinionated, 85-year-old toddler in my care and other times I am very much her child. The past week was the latter, as I was dealing with a migraine as well as simple hay fever and I simply did not feel like doing the things I came here to do.

     It may have empowered her to be in charge again as she did her best to help take care of me.     daffodil closeup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow Us