Dare to Care – HANC

Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Being caregiver to an elderly loved one is similar to parenthood. The demands don’t end after an eight-hour shift. Downtime is minimal. Some days, no amount of expressed gratitude can compensate for the private sacrifices and personal exhaustion.

Married HANCs who choose to provide Housekeeping, direct Activities, prepare tasty, Nutritious meals and offer fulltime Companionship may find privacy especially precious. It’s vital to seize moments of intimacy and search for opportunities to be alone with your spouse while maintaining balance in your care-giving roles.

Conversely, it is essential to find time to be alone, with friends and to seek personal activities that sustain and support emotional stability. This is particularly important for the solitary or single HANC.

The role of companionship for yourself is no less important than providing healthy meals or stimulating activities and maintaining a well-kept home. Remember why you made the decision to become a HANC but don’t let the decision monopolize your life.

            From time to time, you will hear things that affirm your decision.

A sister said, “Thanks so much for being there—1,000 times.”

When a friend learned of our move, he wrote in an email:

“I think what you’re doing is fantastic. I wish I could have been there for my father more than I was at the end.”

A business acquaintance told me, “You are doing a wonderful and selfless thing.”

A brother wrote, “Thank you again for your being there. I am so grateful to you for taking this leap in faith to move in with Momma.”

A colleague wrote, “You have sacrificed a lot to be there for your mother.”

Yet one of the briefest and most profound statements came from my sister-in-law.

Better You Than Me!

     When I wake from this dream, please have my breakfast ready. Can you make that to-go, please? I’m going to be in a hurry.

I’m about to start a new life. I’ll have to stop sludging around in the mornings, following the same ritual I created years ago. No longer will I be able to nosh on whatever suits me while I amble off to work, choosing to eat – or not eat – lunch with the girls at the office.

My carefree days of taking the scenic route home from work or solo retail therapy will end when my new life begins. I may have seen my last mall, though that in itself isn’t going to hurt much.

I’m becoming a HANC. My mother needs a Housekeeper, Activities director, Nutritionist and Companion. She also requires a mechanic and general handyman. My husband and I have assumed those duties and as soon as my dream ends, I’ll be on call.    

My mother’s low-level memory loss and physical frailty have reached a critical point where something must be done sooner, rather than later.

I’ve had time to adjust and acclimate to the changes. I’d like to think I have, at least.

Many mornings, long before my alarm sounds, I wake in a panic before I realize we haven’t moved yet and I need save my mother from another non-nutritious breakfast of cookies and coffee.

Some nights, as I collapse into bed after packing, I wonder who will ultimately have to make the most adjustments in this new lifestyle.

 Long ago, the rural childhood home to which I am returning nearly smothered my essence. I craved more.

 I wanted the city lights, the culture, the streets and the convenience of living a life I felt entitled me to be the person I thought I would become. Today, it feels as if the shackles of illusion have been broken and I know I never really was a city girl. I don’t fit in with the beach communities and I don’t belong in suburbia. I’m going back to my bucolic roots with a new resolution, a new purpose, a new sense of how to be the me I was always meant to be. Me without constraints, without rules, without neighbors.

    I’ll have to be more diligent about my own health, so I can care properly for my aging mother. If I don’t maintain a healthy mntal, emotional, physical and artistic balance, I won’t be a proper HANC.

 She may even teach me a few new tricks .