Posts Tagged ‘frail’

Mommasez

One of the best things about caregiving, or being a HANC—in addition to knowing you are providing much-needed Housekeeping skills, directing some new Activities, providing healthy Nutritional options and being a Companion—is having the honor of hearing stories and historical remembrances.

Even more so, are short stand-alone sentences, or what I call Mommasez.

Traveling with mom

Because I now live with my mother and spend time with her, going to doctors’ appointments, to have her hair styled, to visit family and out for meals, we talk on our way to these places. Naturally, we also talk at home.

large man in small chairMommasez things that make me shake my head in disbelief.

“When I am on my deathbed and they hook me up to whatever it is they hook people up to before they die, make sure to pour one last cup of coffee in a bag. I want to die with coffee in my veins.”

laughing woman

Mommasez things that make me laugh.

“People say ‘I’m pretty sure.’ Have you ever heard anybody say they were ugly sure?”

bowls of grapes

Often, current events spark memories from her childhood. One such memory came after I brought her a large bowl of grapes harvested from the scuppernong vine in her back yard.

“When I was a child, every fall, there was a man who would stop our bus driver and tell him, ‘Bring the children back tomorrow for grapes.’ The next day, our mothers would give us paper bags, because we didn’t have plastic in those days. Sometimes, the paper bags would have a wax lining, but not usually. So, after school, the bus would stop at his house and all the children got off and picked all the grapes we could take home. Our mothers made jelly and it didn’t cost anything. Well, they had to buy sugar and jars, but that’s how we did it in those days. We all helped one another.”

Momma says things

Mommasez things that make me wonder.

“No, I do not want to visit my cousin in the hospital. They might lock the door and never let me out.”

Mommasez things that would have shocked me years ago, but I have learned she often wants to see if I will have a witty remark.

shower

“Ooh, this shower is better than sex,” makes me reply, “Obviously you truly have lost all your memories, or you always slept with the wrong men.”

She and I both know she has had sex with a total of two men, each her husband; the second following a forty-year marriage to my father, more than twenty-five years after his death.

laughter

My goal is one belly laugh each day. Now that we’ve settled into our own rhythm, we sometimes achieve more than one good guffaw.

save the world

I have started to enjoy her simple needs without imposing my desires upon her. Relaxed in my instinct to take-over-the-reins-and-aright-the-world, I take pleasure in her happiness. I certainly share her frustrations.

parking permit

My mother is fiercely independent, even in a state of disability. Less than a decade ago, she maintained her own home and worked outside the home. Family members assisted with yard work under her supervision.

Sandberg's canes

She cooked, cleaned, handled her finances and was one of the healthiest people in the family. She recovered from her first serious fall well and managed with a cane.

Mommasez things that are profoundly sad, at times.

large family

“I can die now. I know I will never be this happy again,” she told me the night of her eightieth birthday, six years ago.

That was the first time in twelve years all eight of her children were together, most with our children and her great-grandchildren attending.

Walker

She fell again and broke much more than one bone, as in her first tumble. Still, her independent streak fights her limits. She uses a walker for every step she takes, yet there are times, she attempts chores by leaning on other things, some that are not sturdy or steady. When I offer to take over a task that seems too much for her, she scolds me.

“Let me do what I can, while I still can. Soon enough, you will have to do it all for me and you’ll wish I could do it, even if me have to fweep it twice.”

sweeper

“Fweep it twice,” is a reference to my youngest sister who longed to do anything she could to feel more grown up. When she was four years old, she started sweeping the kitchen and someone took the broom from her and told her she was too small to do a good job, as she had left some crumbs. My sister reclaimed the broom with the statement, “Me fweep it twice!”

Time is precious

Youngsters and oldsters need to feel useful and important. It’s the responsibility of those of us in the middle to help them in their quests. We, who are more experienced or healthier, may indeed do the job faster or better – but we can always sweep it twice. We must remember the important things are not the tasks we do for our loved ones, but the time we spend with them.

kitchen

Momma says she wants to be more helpful in the kitchen and I don’t mind. It’s my job to set her up for success and to enjoy the time we have together. If I’m lucky, I might even hear few more things Mommasez.

Forced to Follow my Dream

Since becoming my mother’s Housekeeper, Activities Director, Nutritionist and Companion (HANC), I face new challenges daily. In some ways, on some days, it’s as if I am responsible for an 85-year-old toddler. Without family intervention, her meals would be meager and lonely, her health declining rapidly.

man on motorcycle

Prior to moving, my sister, Jane, or my brother, Joe, cooked for her, but they weren’t able to be on hand daily to ensure she ate what was prepared. That’s my job, now.

Without my support system, I might have burned out quickly. By far, my biggest supporters are my brothers and sisters. Each in his or her way has provided invaluable assistance. Some have taken us out to dinner.

family phot

Others have brought food or even tea parties to us. Some have helped with yard work. All have given words of gratitude and encouragement.

tea party

Jane offered to give my husband and me one weekend off each month.

I had no idea how important that would be, but Jane knew.

What a gift!

Gift with a bow

When we first moved in, I needed some time to unpack and assimilate.

boxes

We all needed to adjust to the new lifestyle. We were here three months before our first weekend away, which meant it was all the more important – but what a fiasco! We’d started planning a trip to a local resort town, but something didn’t feel right, so we decided my husband would follow his instincts and use “the force” to direct us on our spontaneous adventure.  My well-intentioned sister didn’t realize that my night-schedule husband wouldn’t wake at dawn, as hers would have. I knew this, so I promised her I’d call when we were leaving, but she came early. It all worked out well, but it seemed as if we were being rushed that day.

traffic jam

We drove an hour to North Charleston, where he surprised me by taking me to the Fire Museum, a wonderful visual tribute to firefighters all over the world.fire museum

That evening, we enjoyed a sumptuous meal and sat outside our less-than-ideal hotel/motel room watching a feral cat colony. The next day, we drove to historic downtown Charleston and the Battery where we started making plans for a future trip.

customs house

A short drive to the Isle of Palms, where we toured the island and I took photos, took us past the Windjammer Beach Club and we modified our plans. My husband then drove us to Sullivan’s Island. He  stopped so I could take some photos of the historical monument that described an early battle during the Revolutionary War.

monument plaque

Then we saw him.

A young man was rising out of the water, a hose attached to a jet ski. He rode on a stream of water, hovering the inlet. It was the highlight of our day.

jetski rocket

I have wanted to travel, for as far back as I can remember.

Wait. That’s not accurate or truthful.

Bernie

My first memory is of my sister Bernadette “Bernie” and me making cucumber pies. I was five and she was almost four. We lived in the largest house I can remember for my family of ten, although at that time, the “babies” had not yet been born.

The house was situated on a corner at the intersection of two major thoroughfares. Long before interstate travel sped by on freeways created for the purpose, travelers used these small-town highways.

On one hot summer morning, our house roused to the sound of a collision and we knew a large truck had been involved. This one had been filled with cucumbers. Housewives and older children rushed to the intersection to help clean up the debris so traffic could resume as soon as possible. My mother pickled what she could and those too bruised or broken became playthings for Bernie and me for a day. We made the best-smelling mud pies in town.

reading

When I wasn’t making mud and cucumber pies, I was reading. I don’t recall a time in my life without books. Once I started school, I read even more. That’s when thoughts of travel first entered my mind. I longed to visit exotic places I’d read about and for many decades, I believed travel meant passports, airfare and foreign countries.

I’m reconsidering my perception.

passport

To be certain, I do own a passport. It’s in almost pristine condition, though it will soon be time to renew it. I have traveled outside of the United States, but barely.

cruise ships

Although I enjoyed it thoroughly, traveling on a cruise ship is an extremely limited sort of travel.

Hawaii hello

My husband and I have dreamed together of being able to spin a globe to stop it with a finger on “Where shall we go next?” knowing our dream is tied to our budget. Outside of a few cruises and some outings while visiting family, our travel has been limited – in location and ambiance.

As another month approaches, we are faced with a dilemma.

sign

  • Where should we go?
  • What will we do when we get there?
  • What kind of restaurants will we find?
  • Do we want to visit the typical tourist venues or go off that path?
  • How can we avoid another iffy hotel, when the online rating system is flawed?
  • Can we really afford to spend the night away each month?
  • Can we afford not to stay overnight?
  • How much can we, with our current jobs, afford to disconnect?

We think we have a solution.lottery

Scaling down our global travels dream (until we win the lottery), we’re going to put names of cities and towns in a hat or a box or a basket or maybe just stack them like playing cards.

hat and cane

Each month, we’ll draw out the name of that month’s destination for our weekend away.

There are no rules, but we do have some guidelines.

  • No location should be more than a three to four-hour’s drive from home. This will ensure we can enjoy our destination as well as the journey to get there.
  • We’ll spend a little extra for nicer accommodations, even if we have to skimp on our main meal out.
  • Some months, we will pack a picnic basket, depending on our final destination.
  • Each location should have some draw: a museum, an aquarium, a historical monument, a botanical garden or some other special amusement.
  • We reserve the right to change our minds.

wine

Now, my task is to locate cities and towns that fit our criteria, set up the cards with options for entertainment and search out accommodations.

historic inn

If you have any suggestions for exciting destinations or locations within a few hours from the Charleston/Columbia South Carolina or the Savannah Georgia areas, I’d love to know about them. Please, leave me a comment with your suggestions.

The Little House in the Country

City HallI was thrilled when I first moved from my lifelong hometown, with a population of 5,360 – according to the latest U.S. Census Bureau – to Atlanta, with well more than 900 times that.

City scape view

At the time, I needed to be absorbed into the city’s anonymity, to feel the pulse of cultural diversity. Several years later, I downsized the city but upgraded my lifestyle.

House in the suburbs

We moved from a small two-bedroom apartment on a fourth-floor walk-up into a three-bedroom house with a two-car garage. About one-fifth the size of Atlanta, this city was still fourteen times larger than where I returned to report for HANC duties. As a HANC I am my mother’s Housekeeper, Activities director, Nutritionist and Caregiver.

Chef

Much of what I’ve done has been typical for a homemaker or a HANC. Cooking, cleaning, stimulating conversation; memory work; driving to appointments, refilling prescriptions, answering the telephone and coordinating with family and friends who want to visit; these are all things that for more than a decade, I have resolutely eschewed.

Why am I now thinking of sewing myself an apron?

World Book encyclopedias

I have fought to be atypical in all my endeavors. I never thought I was superior, yet I felt somehow different from others. One sister has called me the family dictionary for ages. A friend told me my knowledge is encyclopedic. A co-worker nicknamed me the breathing style guide. An employer thought I had moved to South Carolina from Chicago or Manhattan, because of my demeanor and lack of strong southern dialect. No wonder I sought to escape my small town.

            Yet, here I am.

Award

Thomas Wolfe wrote,

You can’t go back home to your family, back home to your childhood … back home to a young man’s dreams of glory and of fame … back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of Time and Memory.”

    Yet, here I am.

I left my little house in the country for one of the largest cities in the U.S.A.

NAMPA AWARD   The whole enchilada

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filtered by my environment, I’ve lived my dreams of writing and editing.I am pleased that I seem to have achieved some level of glory and fame. I have no desire to escape time or memory. In fact, my mother’s fading memory is one of the things I hope to help her preserve. As Alzheimer’s begins to scar the surface of her recollections, I went back home, to my family, but not to my childhood.

place setting

I miss the culinary delights that are typically found in large cities, the hidden spots frequented on rare and special occasions. I do miss my friends, the bonds forged while working on our individual novels and short stories or as we groused about deadlines or unmet expectations. I miss my infrequent lunch and after-hours buddies.

Photo outing

I will have to find new photography field trippers and cultural outlets. Now, instead of one or two grandmothers, I am surrounded by them within my own family and it feels different. Good, but different.

house in the woods

I did not return to the Little House in the Country  as a child, seeking anything but peace of mind. For myself, primarily, as I ached every time I had to leave my mother, knowing her health declined daily. For my mother, secondarily, because in order for me to have peace of mind, I needed to provide her with a level of care and companionship that might ultimately improve her condition somewhat.

children in summer

I did not consider that I would provide peace of mind to my large family, but I have. Each one has conveyed in his or her own way how grateful they are to know that our mother is no longer alone.

I tend to act quickly to situations. I try to be prepared enough that I don’t overreact, but at times, I don’t work out all the scenarios. I had not considered how my transition to HANC-dom would impact others in the family. I just knew I had no option but to go home.

House in the country

My parents built The Little House in the Country and we moved into it when I was in the sixth grade. I was over-dramatic when I thought I would never see my best friends again. I thought I hated the new house and who could blame me?

two missing

I have four brothers and three sisters. The house had four tiny bedrooms. Now, it has two! The day we moved in, the house was “dried-in,” which means it had a sub-floor, four exterior walls, a roof and studs for interior walls. The electricity had been turned on and the plumbing was installed. There were no walls or doors inside the house. We had no privacy so my mother stapled sheets to the studs around the bathroom. Little by little, cardboard walls were also then stapled to the other rooms. As time and money allowed, sheet-rock was installed.

Worden parents

My mother told me she had moved frequently once she married my father and when they moved into the newly-built, but unfinished house, she told him,

“This is the last time I am moving. If you want to live somewhere else, you will have to do it without me. I am not leaving this house until I am dead.”

            She has “made do” with whatever she could and has improved The Little House in the Country as much as she has been able.

flowers

Now, it’s my turn. The city girl has come home to her roots and I rejoice when I find grubs or red wrigglers in my compost bin! A recent trip to buy a simple piece of hardware turned into a field trip for me, when I started setting potted plants and hanging baskets into the shopping cart. My urban-bred husband shook his head and waited.

outdoor flowers

I spent hours arranging and repotting dahlias and mums near the mailbox and I fretted over which soil to use for the rosemary and pepper.

rural house

I traded in my small country home for an equally small apartment in a thriving metropolis that was later traded for a spacious home in the suburbs and I pursued my career as city editor. Returning to my roots, I have swapped all I held dear for what is most precious to me. With that, came The Little House in the Country.

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Labels? Who needs Labels?

     Not long after we moved in, I woke at 5 a.m. to the sounds of gagging and rushed to my mother’s bedside.clock        When I spoke with my local sisters, I was told that she has been doing this for years. About every three or four months, she becomes intensely nauseated and must be monitored for dehydration.

Jane, my oldest sister, said, “The doctor can’t find any reason for this. He said, if she insists, he will put a scope down her throat and see if he can find anything. I got scoped and they found I have a hiatal hernia, but there is nothing they can do about that.”

We agreed it would be worse for our 85-year-old mother if we forced a scope down her throat and they found something but there was nothing they could do for it.

Elderly woman

         It’s bad enough to be a parent and have to sit by while your child is suffering, but when the one who wiped your nose is ill, the feelings shift to a different level.

     Not long ago I called her for relationship advice. I’ve always sought her advice on things related to parenting, cooking, sewing and so many other topics.  If I  called her when I felt ill, she always had homespun advice.

     Scrape an apple for diarrhea, eat a spoon full of sugar for hiccups.

An apple a day

Drink a cold glass of water with baking soda for digestive disorders.

cold water

Give the other person space.

I need my space

She was always right, too. So, when she called my name in distress and looked to me for help, I traded in my HANC hat for a nurse’s and became the caregiver.

What is the proper first-aid to administer to your mother when she is throwing up?

First Aid Station

When my children were sick, I kissed their foreheads and wrists to check for a fever. I rubbed their backs to ease congestion and relax them.  Today, I held the pink, plastic hospital pan under Momma’s chin and waited. I had a cool, wet washcloth ready and stroked her cheek when she thought she’d finished, but I wanted to do so much more.

While she napped fretfully, I emailed my brothers and sisters a quick update.

cup of trea or coffee

My brother, Joe, who lives next door, came over for coffee at 8, but before he could finish his first cup, I had to return to Momma’s room for another round.

over the counter medications

I couldn’t go back to sleep and I dared not make much noise, so I wondered what I might find in her large medicine cabinet of ingredients with names I cannot pronounce that might bring her relief, should she vomit a third time and I wondered why she was sick.

My sister, Bernie, suggested Benadryl might ease Momma’s upset stomach. “It can’t hurt her.”

doctor prescribed medications

      I wasn’t certain, so I checked her shelves that are stocked with over-the-counter and prescription medications as well as with herbal and folk remedies. I found one Jane had marked with a sharpie: Nausea. I was relieved to see it could be taken sublingually.

memory patvch

Along with her Exelon patch for “mild to moderate Alzheimer’s disease” and her daily and nightly prescriptions for various other age-related issues are two other prescription bottles. One is an antibiotic she must take prior to certain dental procedures and the other is the prescription for nausea. When I moved in, with Jane’s approval, I discarded the prescriptions she no longer takes, since they had all expired.

Nearly an hour after her second episode, and moments before I found the prescription, she vomited a third time. After she calmed from that, she placed the small pill under her tongue where it dissolved and was absorbed into her bloodstream and again, she napped. Another hour later, she woke up, still queasy, but stronger and thirsty.

label

My friend, Turner, suggested her problem could be a side effect of her blood thinner. She’s such a smart woman!

 I discovered some interesting things about the rat poison doctors have prescribed for my mother.

warning label

Warfarin side effects that require immediate medical attention are:

  • Severe bleeding (This is why we have to guard against injuries and bruising, which could disguise internal bleeding.)
  • Black stool or bleeding from the rectum
  • Skin conditions such as hives, a rash or itching (This is a problem she’s had once since I moved in with her. Now, when I see unexplained whelps and rashes, I will know it’s not a spider bite or allergic reaction, but a side effect to her medicine.)
  •  Swelling of the face, throat, mouth, legs, feet or hands (only once, her left knee was swollen)
  •  Bruising that comes about without an injury you remember (We tend to recall every time she bumps herself and we always watch for easy bruising to follow.)
  • Chest pain or pressure (This occurred today, with the vomiting.)
  • Nausea or vomiting (This seems to be under control, but she is still very weak.)
  • Fever or flu-like symptoms (Once, before today, I thought she had a fever, but the thermometer did not indicate an elevated body temperature.)
  • Joint or muscle aches (She constantly complains of pain in her knee and other areas, so she takes an OTC pain pill.)
  • Diarrhea
  • Difficulty moving (Some days are much worse than others)
  • Numbness or tingling in any part of your body (she has recently complained that her hands are falling asleep.)
  • Painful erection lasting four hours or longer (at least I don’t have to worry about this one!)

Although rare, warfarin can also cause skin tissue death (necrosis) and gangrene requiring amputation. This complication most often happens three to eight days after you start taking warfarin. If you notice any sores, changes in skin color or temperature, or severe pain on your skin, notify your doctor immediately.

Less serious warfarin side effects to tell your doctor about:

  • Fatigue (Some days, she complains that she is just feeling lazy. I wonder. . .)
  • Gas (I thought this was just my cooking.)
  • Feeling cold (She complains of feeling cold, even on the hottest days and did not want us to buy a new air conditioner because she liked the heat.)
  • Pale skin (This is something we can blame on our family tree.)
  • Changes in the way foods taste (Ah, so, now things are beginning to make sense. She was prescribed to take Warfarin; a side effect of Warfarin is that food tastes differently and sometimes it doesn’t appeal at all, therefore, her “appetite” is considered down and voila! another prescription is written for an appetite stimulant…oh, the western medicine plot thickens.)
  • Hair loss (Only her hairdresser knows for sure.)

check these symptoms

     I have since checked all her medications to see what other side effects might present problems. Maybe I can keep my HANC hat on longer and avoid the nurse/caregiver hat in the future.

     Twelve hours after the first sound of discomfort, Momma was weak, but no longer vomiting. She didn’t have much to eat or drink, but I kept offering ginger ale and water.

     We may not like reading the warning labels, but they can certainly help understand why those in our care suddenly start displaying strange symptoms.

 

     Labels! We DO need those stinking warning labels!

Boy hugs space man

 

 

 

     I’ve noticed a tendency toward stomach upsets when she worries – especially about finances. Her life has been turned around since we moved in. Although she appreciates our help, she can’t deny we’ve changed things in her world and in her routines. The changes, while good, can still be stressful and stress causes all sorts of dis-ease.

 

     Maybe she needs to hug a space man or maybe she needs a little space, of her own. It can’t be easy to suddenly have the noise and activity of a family after so many years of solitude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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