Archive for September, 2014

Do Over

There are many things I wish I could go back and do a different way, where providing care for my mother is concerned.

I can’t do over anything, but if I could, I would:

  • Move in sooner so I had more time with my mother.

  • Be sure I knew where all her documents were before moving in and avoid the needle-in-the-haystack searches.

  • Write a sort of contract with my whole family’s input so everyone knew our roles clearly. Know beforehand, who already had roles to play and what they were.

  • Include in that contract what I was able and willing to contribute and what I expected in return.

  • Set up a backup to the verbal respite plan. As good as it sounds when someone says, “Just call me if you need help,” and “I’m here for you,” I’d remember that words carry little weight at 4 in the morning or when busy schedules interfere with my need for time off.

  • Set up a backup to the backup so my breaks and respite care are ensured. Have an emergency backup in place before I need it.

  • Before moving in, take extra time to discover the family’s understanding of the situation. I’d include them more and make sure they included me, too.

  • Insist that all my siblings and their children take time to do a Four Generation photo sooner, rather than wishing we had.

  • Listen more.

  • Play more.

  • Dance more.

  • Sing more (even if it is off key).

  • Go more with the flow and less against the stream.

  • Clean less.

  • Communicate better.

  • Prepare for the finality of the situation. In other words, I would have a plan in place for when my job as HANC ends, rather than wondering what I should do.

I may have other areas I’d like to do over, but first, I’d like to hear from you. What would you like to do over in your life? Not just as a caregiver, but in your life in general or in your “other career,” what would you like to do differently, if given the chance?

Write me at marybrotherton@gmail.com

and let’s start a dialogue about change!

 

 

 

Caregivers, Check your Goals

  My husband asked a simple question. “Are you still writing?”

            “Of course I am. Why would you ask?”

            “Because, I care.”

He knows how important my writing is to me and we haven’t discussed my work lately.

Journal words

  It seems the only things we discussed for so long related to my mother.

            My husband and I talked about my mother’s health, her eating habits, her attitudes. We chatted about family matters involving who had and had not visited, who interacted with Momma on Facebook and where she and I went on our frequent drives. He teased that I should have worn a hat similar to the one Morgan Freeman wore in the movie, Driving Miss Daisy.

Horses behind fence

            He worries that I may have lost sight of my writing goals. Like many things, caregivers need to reassess their dreams and goals, because we ought not let life interrupt or interfere with our plans. My writing hinged, somewhat, on my mother’s situation, but my husband is correct. I didn’t focus myself around my writing – not enough, at least.

            I still write short articles for the publication that was once my daily job. I write for my website and this blog, though I don’t keep myself to as strict a schedule for updates as I’d like. My freelance editing gigs keep me busy in spurts, but not so busy that I can’t block out personal writing time most days. Managing my mother’s Facebook page did consume a small amount of time, but it brought her too much pleasure for me to ignore.

            I know I need to refocus myself and reestablish my writing to-do list. It’s what I love most in life, after my family and friends. Having my words published in my lifetime is vital to me. However, your goals and dreams may be different.

Every HANC has had goals, dreams, personal ambitions and hopes put on hold. Some have allowed their visions to fade away. Perhaps the most unfair part of providing care for our loved ones is when we allow ourselves to become the white noise of our own lives.

Heron at Lake

We know we’re there, but we don’t really listen to our inner voices any more. Even after the care giving stops, there is a certain re-adjustment period that is necessary for us to function, again. Our lives have been interrupted and now, we have to find a way to plunge back into them.

            I challenge you to join me in reclaiming your dreams.

What goals have you been ignoring?

What do you want to do with your life, once it is wholly yours again?

What can you do today to work toward your dreams?

Who can help with your quest?

            Start by making a list of all the things you hope to do, one day. Then research what steps you need to take toward fulfilling those goals. You can never achieve a dream or accomplish a goal if you don’t take that first step.

Be serious or be frivolous, but be honest.

Honest Abe

            Leave me your comments and let me know how your dream progresses.

marybrotherton@gmail.com

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